I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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