There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize