you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
