he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
