My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize