During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I am spending my child support on dildos
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
