i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
