I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
All I want is dick and wine.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
