I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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