Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
