Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
