My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
