my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
