Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
