well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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