Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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