My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
