I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
