Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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