she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
