mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
