Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
