Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
