We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
