why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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