I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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