god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize