My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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