he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
