dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
