He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
