I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I need a beard to bite.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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