I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize