The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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