he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Congratulations! We have a period
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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