Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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