So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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