I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
