you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
