Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
