I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
