I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She needs sedatives and a leash
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
