He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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