the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
