I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
