HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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