i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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