Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
