he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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