do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
