lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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