remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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