Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
