oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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