So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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