why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I enjoy the company of your penis
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
