[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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