remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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