maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
