Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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