My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
