Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
