Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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