Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
