He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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